Surrealism
by DeceptionConsidered
Summary: Tattoo artist Bella Swan meets her cousin's best man when a bet is lost. Can she maintain her calm facade? and how will he handle the only woman he can't charm, when she's the only woman he wants to.
1. Some Other Place

_So here's my first story. I couldn't think of a title so i literally picked the first word that i saw in the room, which was Surreal. so here it is: Surrealism_

_Hope you enjoy. Review._

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Chapter 1 - Some other Place

**Isabella Swan**

ahem... Bella.

Oh, sorry...

**Bella Swan**

"BELLA!"

"Jesus Jessica."

"There's a group of guys here."

"Okay, well, congratulations, you can officially tell the difference between Males and Females." When she didn't remove herself I looked up again "you want a medal hon?"

She giggled and I grinned, well, I pulled my cheeks up in an odd grimace-like expression.

"Seriously though, what's up?" This girl is going to kill me, not only can she text on her cell whilst simultaneously ignoring customers, she manages to take unannounced time off to get her hair done and bother me, whilst I'm with a client, to tell me a regular occurrence has cropped up.

I'm thinking employee of the month?

"Oh! They want piercings."

"Awesome. A group of pissy little boys hoping for some street cred. Fuck's sake. Book 'em in then Jess. C'mon, you know this. It's your job darling." The girl currently sat in front of me topless snorted and tried unsuccessfully to disguise it as a cough. She turned her head to the side and rested her cheek on the headrest of the chair she was straddling, completely indifferent towards the fact that she was half naked in front of my assistant.

Jess coughed nervously and wiggled her eyebrows. "They said if you don't do it now they'll do it themselves in the shop and you can clean up the blood." She darted her eyes to the floor and started wringing her hands.

I sighed. "Fine. Tell them they can wait, then ring my 9 o'clock and tell them I... have swine flu or some shit." The girl full on laughed at me as she turned her head to face away from me again and Jessica pulled a face like I'd asked her to memorise an encyclopaedia and nodded, turning away from me absent-mindedly.

"Oh Christ I just know she's gonna fuck up." My client remarked.

"You're not kidding she's like a fucking psyduck."

"Oh you did not just make a Pokémon reference!"

"You're damn right I made a Pokémon reference." I looked at the clipboard to my right, "Alice, you'll be done in about ten minutes gorgeous." I pressed the needle to her skin just once more to complete the filling of her tiny pixie silhouette. She'd brought me a picture from the internet, it wasn't bad, she didn't want the tribal round the edge and she wanted words; _confiance de foi et poussière de sylphide._

"Okay Missus you're done." I left the room after cleaning her up and handing her t-shirt over.

I walked through to the shop front and looked at the three guys sat on the bench in front of the window. I laughed.

As I pulled the ribbon from my hair I bent down behind the cashier's desk and retrieved the receipt book.

"Emmett McCarty you selfish son of a bitch. Someone had to have their hard earned appointment cancelled because you couldn't wait one day."

"Well, Isabella Swan you know I can't resist your charm."

I growled and threw the small tub of Vaseline in my hand at him, it rebounded off his forehead and he grinned at me, rubbing his red skin.

"Bella. Always Bella. Isa Can go fuck itself. I know." He recited as he chuckled and I grinned.

"So what are you after anyway?"

"Well, I came to tell my cousin to save the date."

I froze. "You're kidding?!"

"No Bells. I did it. Took me 8 years, but I did it."

"Well fuck me sideways and call me Larry. She said yes? Well who'd have thought?"

I laughed and leapt across the room, throwing my arms around his neck and gripping my gigantic cousin.

"So, I lost a bet, I gotta get the wrong ear pierced... could only think of one person I wanted to turn me into a flaming queen. Whatcha say?"

"Who'd you lose to?"

"These guys." He gestured behind him at the two men he had with him.

"Jasper Whitlock" the blond haired man made his way toward me and with a slight southern twang said the words; "nice to meet you ma'am." before kissing my hand and bowing his head. Safe to say I giggled.

"And this is the best man; Edward Cullen." I looked up into the eyes of a 6'2 complete and utter God and was met with sea green pools staring right back.

"Jasper took the hand kissing manoeuvre so I guess I'll have to pick some other place huh?" he murmured. I took note of how close he'd moved to me and my breath hitched as I trailed my gaze across each of his startling features.

The eyes were the perfect centrepiece on a table of absolute loveliness.

In other words, this boy is fuck-hot.

His nose was perfectly straight and not a bit out of place, leading down to lips that were full and so soft looking I wanted to spread whipped cream all over them and then lick it off. His jawline was masculine and strong and his forehead was obscured by errant strands of auburn falling from a head of the best looking hair you've ever experienced.

I kid you not, that hair could separate itself from his head and every other hair-do on the planet would shave itself to have sex with it.

So after analysing Simon-the-sex-hair and admiring this man's delicious features it struck me how toned his body was, and lean, not wide like Emmett, but just, fucking, AWESOME.

_I think I just named his hair Simon. Huh._

I realised what a stupid line he'd just spouted and was about to snort in his face, when his lips brushed my cheek and my eyes widened. His mouth lingered on my skin and I felt the heat spread throughout my face and stain where his lips were on me.

And then the most surreal moment of my life occurred.

I turned to see my freshly inked client gazing into the sky blue eyes of the blond southerner.

"You've kept me waiting."

"Sorry Ma'am."

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Wide? Or Lean? (;


	2. A Tattoo Parlour

There're twists coming! Don't assume you know where this is going (;

Not every chapter will be repeated, just thought you'd want to know Edward's first impression of Bella.

If there are any POVs you wanna see just drop me a review.

Enjoy and Review.

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Chapter 2 – A Tattoo Parlour

**Edward Cullen**

"Nah man, she's repulsive."

"She's my fiancé dude shut the fuck up."

"Still repulsive." I mumbled quietly to myself.

"What?"

"Nothing man."

"Anyway, I am betting you that guy over there is gay, and I am just his type." Emmett winked at me and I stifled the laugh, this man thought he was irresistible to everyone and anyway that guy's not gay, just desperate with blue balls. The massive buffoon in front of me would hear none of it though.

"Emmett I am telling you. Not gay." He looked at me smugly. "Alright tell you what; if he responds to your pitiful attempts at flirting, I'll take the ultimate symbol of homosexuality and get my wrong ear pierced. And if he doesn't you take the plunge, or gun as it were."

"Do you even know which ear is the 'wrong one' Doucheward?" Jasper piped up.

"I have no reason to know. I'm not gonna need to." I grinned and winked at the blond mute who chuckled and sipped his beer.

"Wish me luck Pussward and Jizzper."

"That was an epic failure of an attempt at insulting us."

"I'll make sure to fill my care cup."

I watched as the stupid great lug pulled himself across the room towards the native-American guy standing at the other end of the bar. He leant over and whispered in the guy's ear, I belly laughed as I watched the guy rub his ear, scowl at Emmett and pull the gorgeous young native-American woman into his side. Emmett blanched and I wiped the tears from my face, _Classic!_

After about five minutes of Jasper's oddly composed grin and my barking laughter Emmett returned to us flushed and embarrassed. _Yes friends, embarrassed_.

"Come on then!"

"What? What the hell? It's eight thirty! We just got here!" I protested as he headed towards the club's doors.

"There's only one person on the planet that's piercing any part of me, gay or not."

"Yeah okay, fair enough but... Right now!?" He didn't respond so I growled, downed my coke and jumped off my bar stool.

I was the designated driver so I guess it's not like I had drinking to do or anything.

After seemingly wandering around for ten minutes with no plausible destination we were walking through the doors of; _La Bella d'inchiostro_.

"What the fuck? Where are we?" I glanced around and took in two leather chairs, high backed and well taken care of. I clocked the sketches and paintings lining the walls and noticed the shelves of equipment behind the desk. A tattoo parlour.

Emmett walked straight up to the centre desk as I checked out the girl stood behind it; Frizzy hair, dark makeup, scarf and the blonde powerpuff girl tattooed near her ear. _Pff, she wishes she was as hot as Bubbles._

I peered over the desktop and raked my eyes over her figure, not bad, short legs though. And her tits were too small to be in proportion with the rest of her.

"Alright chicken?" Emmett started and I covered a snort with a very inconspicuous cough. _Oh yeah, I'm the king of cool. _"Uhh, just tell Bella some guys want some piercings. And when she says to book us in, tell her I'll do it myself and she can clean up after me."

Bubbles looked at the massive bear-like man before her as she nodded and turned toward an open doorway behind her bellowing; "BELLA!"

Emmett motioned for us to join him on a bench like windowsill and I watched Bubbles as she talked to the person just out of sight and around the corner before giggling and turning back into the shop looking bewildered and confused. _Hmm. Intelligent much?_

"Uhh, she says she'll be out in a minute." she mumbled towards us before picking up the telephone and contacting a client, I heard the words; "Yes, swine flu. I'm very sorry, of course I can rearrange your appointment." Swine flu? Well, she has a sense of humour whoever she is.

I was immediately alarmed by the tone of Bubbles' voice, she sounded petrified and I spent the next 10 minutes conjuring up images in my mind of some Miss Trunchbull-type character emerging from the back room eating take out, coated in tattoos, face full of metal and shaved head.

Physically trembling I was so wrapped up in my own horrific fantasies I didn't notice the girl who swirled around the corner until all I could see were her long sleek legs stood straight alongside the desk. The heels on her feet emphasised the slender curve of her calves, leading to perfectly formed thighs and the most perfect round ass you've ever got an erection over in your life. The urge to stand up, rip through her skin tight jeans and plunge my rock hard cock in her pussy was almost too much. _Almost._

Then the most heaven sent voice, dripping in honey and Butterflies and flowers and everything utterly female, tinkled its way over the counter.

"Emmett McCarty you selfish son of a bitch. Someone had to have their hard earned appointment cancelled because you couldn't wait one day." My eyes fluttered closed as my cock twitched at the angelic voice expressing profanities, I opened them again to see Jasper's smirking face glaring right at me. He raised an eyebrow and I stuck my tongue out.

I was vaguely aware that the goddess and Emmett were having a conversation but in all honesty all I could focus on was her body.

She'd leapt across the shop straight into Emmett's arms, giving me two inches of skin where her t-shirt rode up to memorise and file away for future reference.

Her hipbones were inked. I didn't get time to see what they were inked as, but they were inked.

They trailed into the most perfect waist and were accentuated by her full breasts, now mashed against Emmett's expansive chest. _Lucky Bastard._

However, the perfection that was her body compared in no way to the wet dream of a face she was carrying around; her lips were rosy and full, bottom lip slightly outweighing the top and resting on a perfect chin below the cutest little nose I've ever seen. _I, Edward Cullen, am actually daydreaming about kissing a girl's nose. GET IT TOGETHER MAN!_

Wavy tresses of thick dark hair framed her face and bounced as she moved. Her eyes were like nothing I've ever seen. Brown had always seemed dull, plain, Blue eyes have appealed to me, being feminine and sparkly. But these were deep pools of liquid orgasm flanked by thick luscious eyelashes.

The best feature of her face hit me like a roadblock at 50 mph.

_Jasper Whitlock you slick fucker._

Jasper had kissed her hand, causing her to blush, the slight tinge of colour lit her face up like a "FUCK ME" beacon. My cock twitched and I looked down at my constricting jeans. _Calm down Junior._

Then it was my turn, she looked at me with those gigantic doe eyes and I wanted to fall to my knees and place my head on her stomach whilst I begged her to marry me and have my babies. Or at least just fuck me.

I spun off some stupid twat of a line and took the only opening I could see, leaning towards her I inhaled and my eyes rolled back in my head, I resisted the groan that pushed at my oesophagus as I pressed my lips to her warm silken skin. I pinned my hand to my side to stop from palming myself through my jeans.

I heard a high-pitched, ladylike voice to my right.

"You've kept me waiting."

"Sorry Ma'am."

I turned to look at Jasper, who appeared to be gazing into the eyes of a random woman, he glanced at me and I smirked as I raised an eyebrow.

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Bubbles, Blossom or Buttercup?


	3. The Frizzy Goldfish

_Okay, when I started this chapter I was drunk. Not all the chapters will be as short as these have but some will, depending on how busy I am._

_If you think it's a pile of wank let me know and I'll rewrite it. Written for the readers obviously._

_Enjoy and review._

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Chapter 3 - The Frizzy Goldfish

**Bella Swan**

Right... so, random client hooks up with man she's never met before in tattoo parlour owned by yours truly, after said owner views the presentation of her own personal God and is alarmed at the intensity of which she would like to fuck previously named God into oblivion and then marry and have children with aforementioned God.

Just another day in the life of...

I gaped at Alice as she gaped at Blondie and Jessica giggled, _why haven't I fired her? Oh yes, I'm a fucktard._

Emmett interrupted my contemplations; "Uhh, I'm sorry what the fuck just happened here?"

"Alice honey? Are you feeling okay? You just got inked, are you feeling faint at all?" I asked tentatively, approaching the seemingly crazed woman like she was the escaped rhino that ate James' parents before he found the fuck-off huge peach and solved all life's fucking problems with some English bugs.

"Bella Swan, I have just found the love of my life and you're asking me if I feel faint? Yes I fucking feel faint!" she grinned and Jasper mirrored her expression, never dragging his eyes from her tiny features.

"Bella, I finish at nine." Jessica said, waving her hand at the group of people in front of her who I'm sure she assumed were completely fucking insane and needed to be committed. I am 22, this little stumpy legged excuse for a human is barely nineteen and she basically runs my life at the minute, my entire schedule relies on whether this ignorant, incompetent, completely fucking useless young girl decides she will actually do her job or not.

"Christ Jessica, I'm standing in the Twilight Zone watching love at first sight solidify in front of me and you're worried about going home?!" I screeched, wheeling around to face her. "It's not even nine now!"

"Well, no but you were distracted so I thought -"

"You thought you'd ask so you could get an extra ten minutes head start. You know what..." I took the plunge. "I'm sorry Jessica, you will be paid in full in your next check but as of now you are no longer employed by me. Go home."

She stared at me, wide-eyed before picking up her coat and shuffling herself into it, she walked towards the door and I locked it behind her.

"Oh shit, Alice sorry sweetie, you want to go out?" She looked at me like I'd just shot her children on Christmas day, after I pissed on their faces and told them Santa wasn't real. "Uhm, or you could stay here 'til the guys are done?"

Her face lit up like, well... Like a kid at Christmas as she clapped her hands.

"Ooookay. Emmett, darling cousin of mine. Why, pray tell, are you having your gay ear pierced?"

"Because he thinks he's irresistible to every human being on the planet and can convince some random Indian bloke to make a move on him whilst said Indian is with his girlfriend."

I snorted, not allowing my eyes to dart over to the bronze topped piece of loveliness that had just spoken for fear of losing my train of thought and taking six years to focus again.

"Left hand side's for piercing, right hand's for tatt's. Unless you want to ink this random bloke's face onto your shoulder for future reference to the story sit yo' ass down on the left boi."

I feel I should take this time to explain to you the dynamics of my cousin Emmett, unless of course you'd rather I mention every detail of his piercing? No? Thought not.

Emmett McCarty and I grew up in a tiny town named Forks in Washington, we went to the same high school, we were in the same class and we were just about inseparable, which is probably the sole reason why I'm so fucked up. I wasn't a very outgoing teenager, people have to work for my affections, once you have them you're golden but until then, break out your big guns my friends. I only really spent time with Emmett and my best friend Angela, she still lives with me actually. When we were fourteen Emmett met supposed love of his life; Lauren. They've been together ever since, despite numerous protests from me and the rest of the world. She's repulsive, she has long blonde hair that she bought from some salon down the road from Emmett's university because her hair gave up on her years ago and refuses to grow past her ears. She smokes, a lot, not just like a chain smoker or some shit, she smokes so much she has black fingers. _No jokes. That shit's disgusting._

She has three teeth at the front coz in high school she got in a fight with this girl and decided she didn't want to get veneers because she'd rather people knew she could stand up for herself – in reality she just looks like a complete cock-end.

I'll admit, when we were in high school she was the epitome of sex and seduction and Emmett was – to be frank – lucky to get her. Now though, she's a washed out whore at age 22 and she's lucky he's such a fucking loyal tit.

"Okay sweetness it'll only hurt a bit." I smirked as I placed the lobe of his ear between the pieces of the gun, now having a gold stud lodged and ready to break his skin. I wanted to use a hoop but I was actually a little scared he would physically hurt me when he saw.

I heard the sharp snap as I pulled the tiny trigger and watched Emmett's features crinkle up.

"You baby! How many times have I inked you?" Much to Lauren's disgust; the only reason he gets a discount. "And you're just about crying over a tiny ear piercing? It does NOT hurt!"

"Dude, your cousin did your ink?" Edward asked him, an incredulous look on his features.

"Yes, Edward, she did my tattoos."

"But... but you have one on your ass."

I chimed in "precisely! Pity me!"

Edward snickered and I put on my best traumatised face. "He loses a lot of bets. It's the only reason I ever get to see him! You know he has a Prince Albert right?" I remember that fucking day. He offered me double to put a bar through his bellend. Said he trusted nobody else that close to his junk_. Christ the images._

"Oh shit man that is sick! You let your cousin stab your cock?"

"It's not stabbing. It's piercing, and can we get off the subject of my penis? Lauren appreciates it, that's all you need to know." He winked.

Edward visibly winced before replying "she's repulsive, how can you even go there? In every sense!"

"Thank you! Agreed! Hotdog down a hallway much?" I said, gesturing towards my groin. _Not that we ever see any action! Yo, my name's Vagina and I wouldn't mind meeting a penis every now and then!_

I chuckled and remembering the almost mute lovebirds I looked up to see Alice and Jasper whispering sweet nothings to each other sat on my bay window, at that moment she glanced up at me and said: "You know you just fired the frizzy goldfish?"

Okay that made me laugh. "Yes dear. Your point?"

"Well, I can take her job if you like?"

"You say that like I would be privileged to have you work for me." I grinned, attempting to portray that I wasn't being pissy, I liked her and I don't know why, she was just so... odd.

"Well you would." She winked and I laughed.

"Bring me a resume tomorrow and a reference. We'll see if I can't corrupt you."

I looked back at the gigantic beast in my piercing chair. "C'mon pussy, you want a whiskey?"

His face broke into a grin that could blind Zeus and I was allowed a glimpse at why women fell at his feet.

"You still got the spare room? We could stay, that way Edward can actually drink."

"Yeah and I only live a little walk away, one of you can stay with me." I was shocked to see Alice staring pointedly at Jasper, whose face was positively split in half with his smile. He frowned, his face becoming a physical oxymoron as he looked at Emmett and the smile disappeared.

"If we do stay out Edward still can't drink, he has to drive us to the airport tomorrow to pick my sister up." I cocked my head to the side, plonking myself down on Emmett's lap and giving Jasper a questioning look.

"My sister Rosalie, went to England to attend Oxford. My parents assumed she was a genius so four years ago she was put on a 'plane and flown halfway across the world so she could attend what they boast is 'one of the most prestigious universities on earth.' She's coming back tomorrow, their year ends slightly later than ours, but she's finally finished and she's desperate to come back. We're twins." He added that last part like it was vital information. Alice clapped her hands and bounced off his lap.

"Settled then... drunken sleepover." She grinned at me and winked. I laughed loudly at this strange little creature making herself seemingly comfortable in my life before turning to Emmett.

"This could end badly, how come when I see you things go completely fucking X-Files?"

He boomed out a laugh and wrapped his arms round me in an Emmett McCarty Bear Hug.

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Prince Albert Anyone?


	4. Erectile Value

_Okay, so I'm shit-tired guys. I know my writing is absolutely appalling, no mean reviews please?_

_My mum has a hospital appointment in the morning, so I have the house to myself, safe to say - Rosalie Arrives tomorrow(;_

_Reviews are what keep me writing this story so if you like it you need to let me know. plus I know loads of people have it on alert so no excuse chaps(:_

_It's like, 1am here in England so Enjoy, review, and goodnight!_

_Oh! and, hell yeah I can write a movie rant!_

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Chapter 4 – Erectile Value.

**Edward Cullen**

Oh Sweet baby in a manger.

I've had an erection for just over two hours.

How am I even functioning right now?

Tattoo Parlour? Fuck that, this is Narnia! She lead us through a back room for half naked tatt clients and announced that she'd been marking Alice when we arrived, I heard Jasper growl from my right hand side and I had to snort at his pathetic attempt to conceal the arousing images of the tiny woman he'd just met.

After we followed her through a doorway and came to a tiny room with a copy machine and a sink we were lead through another open doorway to a gigantic lounge with two couches and a small kitchen area off through an archway.

We sat two to a sofa whilst Bella went to the kitchen to retrieve tequila and shot glasses. She brought a bottle of water and a bottle of coke for me, saying I was limited to three shots and I had to have them first. I nodded and grinned, _Whatever you say sweetheart._

She glanced around the room and took in our seating arrangements, Jasper and Alice were on one couch, but being the skinny pricks they are there was room enough for Bella with them and I instantly regretted sitting next to Emmett, wishing Bella had to sit next to me instead, _or on my lap, or on my cock, or in my Volvo on the way to get her stuff so she could move into my apartment._

I watched as she glanced around the room, placed her newfound utensils on the table between the couches and bent over right in front of me. Safe to say; my already wide awake cock twitched like a fucking diseased rabbit and I had to squeeze my eyes shut.

Feeling like I had more control over my - not-so-much vital as incredibly independent - organ I opened them to find her seated on the floor in front of me. _Of holy fuck she's sat in such easy mouth fucking range._

"Never have I ever. I'm assuming we know how to play?" She glanced at each of us and I peeled my eyes away from Bella's head to nod at her before returning my faithful gaze to its new owner.

"Okay Good. I'll go first. Never have I ever broken a bone."

Bella snorted before lifting her shot. I grinned at the back of her head before placing my left hand on her left shoulder and leaning over her to retrieve my shot. I noticed Jasper didn't take a shot. He grinned at me and winked.

"Never have I ever..." came his quiet, dangerous voice, "gotten a tattoo."

Everybody except him took a shot and this time, as I leaned over the goddess I subtly pulled her back between my knees when I downed the shot. She turned to look at me questioningly and I worried she'd get mad.

"What?" I asked, actually wanting to say; _Yes Angel? How can I be of assistance? You want me to pleasure you? For hours? Of course Honey!_

"You're Inked?" I snickered and looked down at her with what I was told was a smouldering gaze, her eyes glazed over a little and my chest swelled with pride.

"Yes I'm inked, why the surprise?"

"You just don't seem the type."

I was about to reply with another exceptionally witty comment when I heard Emmett's voice.

"Yeah he's also a gay virgin can we move on? Never have I ever got a partner shot."

I turned to look at him for two reasons, first to punch him for calling me a gay virgin, _I think the iron rod in my pants proves this theory wrong ladies and gentlemen._ And then to ask him what the ever-loving fuck kind of never-have-I-ever that was when my peripherals caught Bella downing her shot and wincing. I found, oddly enough, that my gaze was ripped from my best friend and focused back on the beautiful brunette before me. She looked up at me and rolled her eyes.

"Emmett's trying to get me drunk, blatantly. My dad is a police chief. He caught me in a very compromising position and shot my boyfriend in the foot. Never have I ever cried at the Notebook."

"It wasn't particularly compromising Bella. You were making out on lookout peak. How incredibly cliché? And Charlie got a call about rowdy teens. You were in the back of your buddy's steamed up little ford when he ripped the door open, dragged that Newton kid out and tried to make him dance with his gun. Only," he turns to face the rest of the room now, playing up to his audience. Safe to say, I'm listening avidly. "This kid didn't fall from Einstein's family tree right, so he tries to tell Charlie he loves her, not a good idea when a crazed man with a moustache and a gun is aiming at you. Ends up with a scarred pinky toe and a bad reputation for being a crybaby. Charlie phones me to tell me to pick Bells up whilst he takes this loser to A+E. Funniest shit in my life man. No competition."

Bella looked positively murderous by now and simply glared at Emmett, getting closer to his face and growling out the words. "Never have I Ever cried at the Notebook... Take your shot Emmett." The entire room having been filled with guffaws at Emmett's story is now deathly silent as Alice and Jasper stare at Emmett, waiting for an explanation. This is when my body betrays me... Yes people the silence suddenly fills with a guttural moan I can't control as my ears register Bella's gravelly growl and shoot sudden waves of pleasure to my brain and cock, informing my traitorous body that we must groan as loud as possible at this precise second.

Yeah, the Emmett attention is simply bounced onto me. _Holy cockblockers Batman._

"Yeah seriously guys it's torture me not being allowed to drink. What the fuck, I wanna get trashed man! And I have to drive Emmett's hummer tomorrow if we're all going to the airport at once."

Jasper looked alarmed at my statement and turned to face Alice; "You're coming tomorrow right?"

She looked almost angered by his statement and replied "yes Jasper Whitlock. Crying out loud."

"Wait, you cry at the notebook?!" I faced Emmett and couldn't help the look of disgust that crossed my features.

"Shut up man! It's an emotional movie all right?" My eyebrows raised in confusion and doubt, he continued to explain. "She leaves him and he doesn't even realise she still loves him and he writes her letters and she doesn't get them and she thinks she's happy but she's not! Then there's the whole, crying-in-the-rain scene and they kiss and the geese fly and then at the end you've watched a whole fucking movie and changed all your morals because it's gotten into your physical and mental being and given you this entirely new outlook on life and you think; 'hey, I might actually feel for someone like that one day.' and the whole freakin' time you're confused 'coz this old guy is reading to this freakishly large football-player of a woman and you're wondering what the ever loving fuck is happening! When it turns out she's supposed to represent what the delicious Rachel McAdams will look like when she's old – completely shattering all of man's hopes for hot old-person sex – and she doesn't even fucking remember a single part of the perfect life she's supposed to have lived. How am I supposed to process a movie that fucking psyched without crying?! AND DON'T EVEN START ME ON THE GREEN MILE!"

Eight eyes stared back at him with uncensored astonishment.

"Dude, it's just a movie. Don't get so into it man." I whispered, worried if I spoke too loud he'd have some sort of mental breakdown.

"Whatever, it's your go prudeward."

"I'm not a fucking prude! Never have I ever slept with an animal in my bed."

Jasper laughed and downed his shot along with Emmett and Bella.

"Ew." Alice sidled away from Jasper and the look on his face went from mortification to Anger and he glared at me, grinding out the words "Never have I ever slept with less than two people."

My eyes flew wide as I glanced at my final shot on the table and gulped, whilst watching the shot however I saw Bella's hand fly to her own shot and down it as soon as possible, most likely hoping nobody would realise what she was inadvertantly admitting. I grinned, looked at Jasper and maintained eye contact as I gulped down my tequila.

Bella turned her saucers of pure chocolate to me and I smiled warmly down at her, she blinked twice before she grinned and turned to face the table again.

After that the game escalated and continued until about 2am. My erection died around midnight, having been at full mast since 9pm and I sighed in relief as I felt blood pulsing to ignored parts of my body again. Flaccidity lasted a full two hours before I found myself piggy backing Bella home to her directions and trying to relieve the chafing of my cock end in the waistband of my jeans.

Bella's hair was on my shoulder, trailing down my right hand side over my pec and hanging past the front of my elbow. Her face was towards me and her lips were full and pouty, I wanted to turn to her and lick her lips but she just giggled in my face and whispered "so this is me Cullen."

I pulled down the covers of her bed and laid her in it after watching Emmett amble towards the guest room and hearing the groan of the bed as he fell into it, I was pullling her shoes off and giggling at her tiny socks with Garfield on them. I leaned over her, pushing her hair off her face.

"You're so beautiful Bella."

"Mm, stay with me. Please? You're yummy. Stayyyyy." she was pouting and looking through her lashes at me and I ask you, could you say no?! Thought not!

I kicked off my shoes and slid under the covers, she turned and nuzzled her nose into my chest, inhaling deeply and smiling.

"My own greek God." she whispered. I grinned to myself, pressed my lips into her delicious hair, wrapped my arms around her, tangled our limbs and replied in a hushed tone;

"Yours."

* * *

Never Have You Ever...?


	5. Anything To Declare?

_The Awaited arrival of Rosalie. I'm absolutely knackered. sorry about Update lackingness. I work a lot lately and I just started my first official novel based on the life of my great grandmother, so i'm a wee bit busy._

_Lack of reviews is bringing me down, and will probably not fuel my desire to write lol.  
_

_So review kids!_

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Chapter 5 – Anything to Declare?

**Emmett McCarty**

Hmm. Maybe I didn't drink as much as I thought I did last night. I feel relatively alive, and… void of pain inducing head-dwarves. Huh.

Okay I guess I should wake up the rest of the troopers. Where did Jasper end up going? Ahh well… I should ring Lauren soon too. Yes every single person I introduce her to hates her but we've been together for nearly a decade, that's gotta be a big deal right? Ahh well.

Fuck, I have to go into my cousin's bedroom, where she is with my Best friend and best man and drag her -possibly naked- ass out of bed so that she can accompany my entire half of the wedding party to go and pick up one member of said wedding party's long lost twin sister.

Whut?

"Bells. C'mon get up. Edward man you were sober last night you goddamn know better!" I hollered, bouncing my knuckles on the door. Edward emerged approximately 40 seconds later looking insanely pleased with himself and remarkably well rested.

"We didn't do anything dude. She was passed out and I'm not a pervert. The girls seemed pretty set on having that movie night tonight huh? We staying?" he asked all those questions and expected me to process all that information as he wandered past me and poured himself a glass of water.

"Uh, we'll see what blondie's female counterpart feels like, she might just want to head to Jasper's y'know after such a long flight."

"Yeah, I guess." He walked back past me again and headed for Bella's bedroom door with a freshly poured glass of water. I poured myself one and turned to see his head popped round Bella's doorway as he yelled; "We'll get a box of Kleenex in case they want to watch the Notebook yeah Em?" I lunged my glass at the door as it slammed and glass and water went everywhere, Edward's muffled laughter ringing out behind it.

"Dude, do you even know what she looks like?"

"Yeah, Jasper with tits? Right?"

"No man, twins don't all look identical, and definitely not if they're fraternal, different sex… dipshit."

I know this, I wasn't suggesting that she was literally a curvy Jasper, I meant she'll be some sort of hot blonde southern belle… am I right?

"Whatever Prudeward, just drive."

"I'm not a fucking prude." He mumbled, pushing his foot further to the floor and speeding us toward the Airport.

When we got there Jasper and his new tiny woman were waiting for us in the parking lot next to his black Mercedes, after claiming he had barely anything to drink and Alice's was too far away from Bella's, he might as well have just taken his own car and we could meet up there. So he did.

Jesus, this blows. I wish she'd just get here for Christ's sake. I might go for a wander around. Wonder if I can find a vending machine. Fancy some chocolate.

"Yo guys I'm just gonna see if I can find the toilets or something." Not one of them gave even the mildest inclination as to having heard me, Edward grunted and Jasper and the sprite just stared at each other like they were cumming or some shit. Fucking weirdoes.

I walked away wondering when the fuck I'd entered the Twilight Zone and waited for something to catch my eye. Something shiny or mobile. I decided there was nothing here that wasn't for a newlywed couple or a frat boy going to Majorca. There were hundreds of sunglasses stands, there were at least three medical centers, guess guys are coming back from Ibiza with like, insane Chlamydia and shit.

I swaggered out of the toilets after laughing at some college kid staring at the condom machine and looked around, I had no idea where the fuck I was. I looked down to my left hand side and saw a little boy looking right back at me, he said the words; "I'm Jack, and I'm lost." With that he shrugged, sat down on the floor and began to cry. I shit myself and glanced around, trying to find a woman with lots of luggage and no children. When I spotted a little blonde looking around worriedly I waved at her and, getting her attention, I pointed at the kid on the floor. She placed her hand on her chest and I saw her release a huge breath. She walked over to me and picked up the child, he stopped crying and grinned. Well, that was surreal.

Yeah okay, so now I was fucked. Stuck in an airport with no idea where the fuck my friends were or if they were even going to wait for me if I wasn't back soon enough, trying to wait for a person I have no idea what the fuck looks like and bored out of my skull.

What was that film where Tom Hanks gets stuck in the airport and like redesigns himself a whole department? Ahh well.

During my inner Movie rant I had wandered towards the gates again, the ones where the people come out and hug people they haven't seen for a while. It really was like the films… huh, I watch way too many movies. I thought I'd just stand here and make up my own little montage complete with soppy love songs and inspirational ballads whilst people hugged their loved ones, but as I watched someone caught my eye.

There are several different kinds of women I've noticed, some are obvious because you know there are bitchy women out there who treat everyone who doesn't dote upon them like shit and you know there are hot women who get shit on because they're genuinely nice. Then there's the kind of woman that you always see alone, and you can't help but wonder and feel sorry for them about whether they ever get any kind of attention from men at all. Whether their beauty intimidates men in such a way that the only ones who ever show any interest are arrogant, cocky sons of bitches, and the nice ones just assume their beauty means they already have someone. Whatever, I know what I mean!

_Whoa, how many big words did I just use? Bella would be proud._

This kind of woman has just sauntered her way into the arrivals bay. She was tall, only a couple inches shorter than I am, and her shoes had to be contributing to that. Her legs were perfectly formed, in tight skinny jeans; her ankles were tiny and delicate and curved lusciously into her calves, introducing the tightest thighs and ass you've ever seen. Her flat stomach was covered by a white button down, the top buttons undone and emphasising ample cleavage. The long blonde locks bounced as she strutted through the bay, her hair was nearly as long as Bella's, not quite bypassing her elbows.

Have you ever seen a person you just want to touch? I watched her glance around the room, utching her carry on further up her shoulder and putting her head down. In that split second I was willing my feet to move towards her, to just start travelling and make myself known.

I finally seemed to be able to move when she missed a beat. She started to descend, her hair flew behind her as she stuck her arms out in an attempt to rescue herself, before I even had a chance to process her fall, her ass stuck up in the air, her flushed expression or her possessions now flying through the bay from her bag, she was gathering things up and snarling at every person attempting to help her up.

I watched with a morbid fascination whilst she shoved her things back into her bag and scrambled up; she straightened her shirt, patted down her hair and ducked her head as she walked towards baggage claim.

I chuckled as I walked back towards my friends, reading confusing signs and finally finding them still sat in the seats I'd left them in. Alice and Jasper still huddled together and Bella sketching on some form of paper, Edward staring at her with an expression of wonderment. _Yeah alright I have a hot cousin man, stop treating her like the holy fucking grail._

When I plonked myself down in my seat after no one even acknowledged my absence I threw my head back and sighed, already bored again.

"Rose!" Jasper yelled and bolted towards the gigantic double doors ahead of us. I looked up to see him swinging some girl around in circles whilst her suitcase and carry on sat beside them.

_I know that bag. Oh this is Awesome!_

**Rosalie Whitlock**

I fucking fell over. Me. Fell over.

Not like, daintily tripped and caught myself elegantly on the wall. No.

I fell flat on my face, and threw tampons and my vibrator and my pills and candy bar wrappers and all sorts of embarrassing shit all over the fucking air port. Well shit.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay, I've got my suitcase, and Jasper is waiting for me through these doors, with his friends, none of which saw me fuck myself over.

I threw the doors open in true Rosalie Whitlock fashion and squealed when I heard; "ROSE!" and was being spun around by a very over excited twin.

I was finally released and introduced to Bella Swan; she seems cool, hell I would. Alice Brandon, who I will never ever give candy to. Edward Cullen, who nodded at me and gave me half a smile before returning to adoring the oblivious Bella Swan.

And then there was Emmett. Emmett McCarty, sex on a stick. He was beautiful; if I wasn't always on the fucking defensive I would have been able to enjoy him. But, me being me – a cock – I ruined it.

"Hi, I'm Emmett, I was wondering if –"

"Yeah, I'm a natural blonde, there isn't supposed to be an earthquake and I will NOT rock your world and no, I'm not tired from running through your head all day. This girl's got stamina." I was moody okay? I've heard 'em all. I can usually pick out the guys and tell which line they'll use from fifteen miles away. But what he said next completely blew me away. He tugged gently on my hand so I crashed into his chest; he placed his nose on the shell of my ear and whispered;

"Actually I was wondering if you're okay after that little spill I saw you take in the arrivals bay, looked nasty. Good job there're no earthquake predictions huh?" He pulled back with the most delicious grin, coupled with the cutest dimples I'd ever seen. And then he winked.

Fuck my life.

* * *

Favourite Pickup Line?


End file.
